I'm glad I only have 10 kids

:) Well... I CARE for 10 kids and that care IS shared. Still... I pray for and worry over 10 kids and that is enough for anyone.

My kids are incredible and they all have some amazing qualities that make me smile and appreciate their individuality. One of them has a funny accent. One has academic success that impresses me greatly. One has a quietness that I admire and appreciate. One has energy and drive. One has creativity and hope. One has a humble heart. One cleans up quickly after herself and others. One has a smile that makes you want to give her anything she wants. One has a dreamy hope that I want to see fulfilled. One has a neatness and desire for structure. These are just a few qualities they have but these are things that make me think of them. They also overlap into each other and each child. On a selfish level, each can make me feel special with their love and attention but I think even that comes from my love for them and recognition of how amazing they are.

gray day

so today was a bummer... not totally I guess. Here is how it went. We are on duty and we woke up with everyone being very cool. I hate rough mornings where I am a grump and I meet my match among one of my teenagers or from my six or eight year old. A very sweet moment was Elissa coming and looking up to me and asking with so much hope in her eyes "Mommy, can I wear a dress today?" I don't know why she asked as we put few limitations on their clothing choices (considering we provide the clothes/wardrobe and all). I smiled and said "sure, as long as you wear tights or leggings". She skipped off. It wasn't that big of a deal but I just appreciated the obedience of asking for something she wasn't sure about.

So once everyone headed out, Adam and I headed to the chiropractor and breakfast with my parents. The chiro is great and has helped me feel a lot better. Today, he had the report from my MRI. I went in with a smile and he said he wanted to really explain my MRI to me. After explaining problems in various vertebrae... he stopped and said this all basically says you have a bad lower back and you are sort of in a gray area with how things will play out. He really helped a lot to explain it all but it just wasn't easy to hear. I was ready to think that I was on my way to being all better. So there were a few things he pointed out and basically left me feeling like there is a great possibility that I will eventually have to have surgery... I appreciated his honesty and straightforward approach. I was grateful for clarity too but really I was just sad... more doctor visits, maybe surgery, no more picking up my little girls.

We left there and went on to see my parents. They are awesome. I mean don't get me wrong.... they are not superheros or anything, but in my eyes, I see them changing. I am just so overwhelmed with love for them for all they have done for me. We could all write volumes about our imperfections and failings but I would rather they forget mine and I forget theirs. So... I updated them on my health issues and saw their concern. That made me sad too because I don't want them to worry about me anymore, it's my turn to worry over them. Adam and I headed home and listened to good music and sat quietly. I felt very weepy and Adam just patted me a lot.

The rest of the day was a blurr of running around, running errands, doing paperwork, sending tons of emails and all that good stuff. Every once in a while some poor soul would ask me how I was doing (or just say "hi")and I probably overdid it with my answers. Once the kids got home, I was very distracted. My day was gray, as is my back condition. I can thank God that it isn't something horrible but man! it is disappointing to feel very healthy and in control of your body's condition and have to realize I am not in control of it at all... It is up to God to heal or not and to keep this in perspective here: all that is going on is not life threatening. There is just maybe the threat of pain and future problems that will not end in this life... I hate sounding so dramatic.

Spring is in the air...

...okay, not really :) But it was an amazing day!! I think it was in the low sixties and the sun was blazing. It was too beautiful not to get out a little and I was so glad I did. A friend and I walked all over our sweet little town and I saw parts of it I had never seen before. There was one house that looked like it was plucked right out of historic Savannah, Georgia! Gorgeous!! I just love all that our little town has to offer. Sadly, in the middle of this horrible economic time, the market is ripe and I couldn't help but wonder if we should buy a little house or two. I say that like we have all the money in the world and of course we don't... but who knows what the Lord has for our future!!

The BIG snow of 2011!!

2011

So... it is 2011... almost February... and I feel like doing a little blogging :) This is from the writer in me who thinks I have so much to say and people are dying to read it!! Not really, but maybe it is from some much less arrogant version of the same kind of mind that feels like I'll feel better and less burdened if I can share some of my own boring story with the world via internet.

I have a great life. If you know me (and I suspect you do... otherwise you might be a stalker or just really bored right now), then you know my life is humdrum. I like it that way. I used to crave the excitement. For what, I don't know but I craved it and found it easily enough... sort of. Now, I prefer to keep with a routine and care for my family without too much excitement at all if possible, thank you very much!! Give me a good squabble among siblings and I'll be content with that for a while.

This year has started off with a little excitement I guess - a different sort that I'd prefer not to have at all. I sort of ignored some pain (Adam would disagree that I ignored it since he heard about it all the time) I was having and put off caring for myself for a while (the way mothers tend to do) and finally after waiting months to get an MRI, had one done the first week of January (it's all about meeting the deductible really). Well, it confirmed what I dreaded most - I'm getting older and starting to fall apart :) in technical terms: a herniated disc. So I've been seeing a chiropractor about it for a bit and have an appointment with a neurologist in a few weeks. We'll see how it goes but I'm in a lot less pain than I was a month or two ago so I am grateful. I have lots of amazing people praying for me and God is still in control so it doesn't worry me... it's just something to lighten the wallet as well as the exercise regimen :) Prayers are always welcomed.

ABOUT THE GIRLS: The little girls are terrific. The big girls are too (yes, I still work at an amazing children's home) but I think I am at a place in my life where having 8 teenagers (well 7 teens and a 12 year old) is sort of sad for me. I know they have their own lives and interests. I want to be important to them but there are so many other parts to the dynamic that is my "big family" that I finally realized I can't cry every time they don't share things with me or treat me as if we just met. I rejoice in the moments when they share with me or show concern for my feelings. I love them with my prayers, my cooking, my time, my laughter, my planning and my gas money. I know there will come a day when the two little ones do the same thing... they'll be teens and it will hurt to realize "here we are again - we just lost A BAZILLION IQ points because all of a sudden they know everything". But for now, I'll value their 6 and 8 year old desire to snuggle, to read books to me, to share their day with me, to have talks about friends and teachers, to play board games (because at 6 and 8 it isn't too dorky yet) and to do just about anything as long as we do it together. Don't get me wrong, I value that from my big girls every chance I can... those chances just get less and less and the little ones have yet to label me as old-fashioned, unrealistic, or unimportant.
ADAM: Adam is as great as ever. He is getting handsomer all the time and takes such good care of me. I don't think he knew what to do with me for a few months there when I was in pain and slowed from my normal 90mph day. He didn't freak out but just babied me a lot and I sort of got used to it :) He knows I am doing much better now but he still babies me a lot... I guess he always has. I just didn't appreciate it like I should until I realized how much I needed it. I shouldn't be surprised - He comes from the most awesome family and I have no doubt I should thank his parents and sisters daily for their contributions to what I think must be the best man under heaven!

PARENTS: My parents are getting older and I pray more for them than I used to. I don't know why since I know getting older is a part of life but 67 and 72 are big numbers and when I get there, I'll appreciate more prayers as well. My mom is a piece of work. I love that phrase. It covers everything from the cutest 18 year old fireball (which I'm sure my mom was at one time) to the most ornery 67 year old lady (which my mom definitely is now)! My dad has taught me more than I knew I needed to know about grace and unconditional love. Of course there is a long sweet and strange love story there but it really isn't mine to tell so I won't. I just admire and respect him with my whole heart and am so grateful for his love for me. My mom too... I just try not to make her mad :)
SIBLINGS: They are here and there. I used to think we grew up to be so different and as I get a little older, I realize we are a lot alike in the basic stuff. I'm just glad to know they are on the planet and they make me glad my girls have one another too.
GREAT FRIENDS: I forgot about some of them for a while but thank God for grace and the fact that everyone is busy so staying in touch is hard for us all. We have some precious friends from the past who just had a new baby boy - Praise God! and some that are due any day - Praise God! We have some that are pregnant in the months ahead... now that I think of it, we really know a lot of pregnant people :)) and we have other great old friends who are awesome without adding to their family in this moment... it is so fun to think about all the cool people we've been blessed to know!!
All that to say, God has blessed us with some great new friends too. I asked for them at some point and He delivered with a bang :) Thanks to God for people who have similar concerns, intentions and needs and who see something of value in me.

Okay so maybe I am not telling a story or having a regular blogging moment but maybe it just feels good to organize how I feel about my life. Maybe this should just be a journal... well, it would be if I was unhappy but my life is too good not to share!!

It's always bittersweet

It's always bittersweet to start a new school year. I'd like to pretend that it is all mourning but that wouldn't be accurate. I am very excited to have more "me" time. Maybe that is selfish but "me" time really translates into a more balanced person who is actually better at giving more of myself. Most people probably already know this... still, I am sad knowing other people spend more time with my children than I do. And yet, I feel no compulsion to homeschool right now.

So my little girls started 1st and 3rd grade today!! It is amazing and on one hand I feel like life is flying by... on the other, I'm fine with where we are and just happy that Isabella and Elissa still like us and like to be around us :) I hear that may not last forever.

We are trying to do all we can to make life slow down some. No plans too far in advance, no commitments that are too hard to keep, nothing that will take us away from what seems to be really important: spending quality time as a family, some special time with just the two of us and loving on the grandparents whenever possible. So far so good.

So what did we do this summer? This summer we were knee deep in home renovations. Everyone says property is a good investment but sometimes it feels like an absolute sinkhole. Really things are better now but most of the summer we received one call after another about more that we needed to do or something that was falling apart. I don't think I'll think back on this summer as restful or sane. Still, the Lord taught me a lot about having greater faith. Ultimately I had to give up worrying and about that time, everything leveled out and settled down.

my dear friend's eulogy

Our summer started two weeks ago and we have just put away school books and report cards. This summer will be remembered in lots of ways but one is with regret and sadness. Isabella and Elissa (and Adam and I) lost a very special person in our lives... Mama Kitty :) Kitty had been my neighbor as far back as I could remember. I grew up playing boardgames in her floor, putting up her fussy fussy Christmas tree and trying on her satin gowns, lacy robes and furry houseshoes (she was all of 5' tall and wore a size 5 shoe). One of my childhood memories and the first funeral I can remember was for her dog, Brandy. He was very special to her and all the neighborhood children laid flowers at her grave after the pastor spoke (yes there was a coffin and a pastor). Kitty didn't have children of her own and lost her husband too early. Through the years ties were broken and I went on to do my own thing, going off to college and all that stuff.
As an adult, I rekindled our friendship about 15 years ago. I went back to helping her put up her Christmas tree and visiting with her when I could. I introduced her to Adam when he was still my boyfriend :) When we were married, she crocheted us a wedding blanket. A few years later she crocheted baby blankets when our girls came along. She really was a special person to us. She wanted to be called Mama Kitty by the girls and so she was. We tried to make short visits to see her when we were in Columbia. We'd stop in... she'd put out her cigarette for us and slowly make her way to the door. We'd hug her and fear we'd break her and she'd turn down Little House on the Prairie playing on the TV in the background. We'd sit and talk a little, all the while knowing someone was expecting us somewhere else and no matter what we were doing we just didn't have time enough. I wish I wouldn't have worried about it because now she is gone. We exchanged lots of cards and always tried to squeeze in a visit on major holidays. The girls drew and colored pictures for her and she received one of the homemade family calendars I made every year at Christmas (except this one - I was too busy to make them). This year I dropped the ball more than once with her... if I had known how much she needed me or how much we meant to her, I would like to think I would have done more.
We called her on Elissa's 6th birthday, May 22nd. I told her I knew she'd want to speak to her and she apologized for not calling. I told her I knew how days can run together and she'd given the girls birthday presents already but I just knew she'd want to say "Hey". She spoke to Elissa and the last words I said to her were "I love you" and "bye". Several days later on Isabella's 8th birthday we got a phone call from Pappy (my dad and Kitty's longtime neighbor) and found out Mama Kitty had passed away. Sadly, the death certificate was dated May 22nd, 10 days earlier, Elissa's birthday. (Mama Kitty journaled daily and her last entry was also May 22nd). She had a massive heart attack and hopefully the last words she heard were I love you. She didn't have an official family left and we were the closest thing. She had planned every detail of her funeral and even written her own obituary. We confirmed her planning and tried to celebrate her life, the sweetest things we could think of. The pastor we asked to conduct the service was terrific and shared the love of Christ in a very straightforward and grace-filled way.
A few days later we had to pick up things from the coroner's office and I found a 5 page letter of plans she had left for me. One very special thing she requested was missed. She asked that I say her eulogy. Considering the funeral had passed, there wasn't much that I could do but now I am making every effort to honor her wishes and honor her in the things she thought meant so much. One of the most special things I can do now is to continue and try to fulfill the things she asked. One of her request was to sale her house and use the money to help pay for college and weddings for the girls. As I go through mounds and mounds of shells, candles, old cards, jewelry, tiny little shoes and confusing paperwork, I find that she was more unique than I could have imagined and she loved me more than I knew. I am so thankful for the things God taught me through our friendship... one of the biggest things is sometimes when He tells us to care for widows and orphans it is because they need us but they can also bless us. Kitty was a 68 year old widow and orphan. Thank You Kitty for blessing us.

The things I remember and love: fussy nightgowns, dog funerals, orange candles, purple bedrooms, little shoes, long painted nails, super southern drawl, mail order gifts, quirky girly handwriting, Daniel Odonnell, and Virginia Slim 120 menthols...