Monday, January 31, 2011

gray day

so today was a bummer... not totally I guess. Here is how it went. We are on duty and we woke up with everyone being very cool. I hate rough mornings where I am a grump and I meet my match among one of my teenagers or from my six or eight year old. A very sweet moment was Elissa coming and looking up to me and asking with so much hope in her eyes "Mommy, can I wear a dress today?" I don't know why she asked as we put few limitations on their clothing choices (considering we provide the clothes/wardrobe and all). I smiled and said "sure, as long as you wear tights or leggings". She skipped off. It wasn't that big of a deal but I just appreciated the obedience of asking for something she wasn't sure about.

So once everyone headed out, Adam and I headed to the chiropractor and breakfast with my parents. The chiro is great and has helped me feel a lot better. Today, he had the report from my MRI. I went in with a smile and he said he wanted to really explain my MRI to me. After explaining problems in various vertebrae... he stopped and said this all basically says you have a bad lower back and you are sort of in a gray area with how things will play out. He really helped a lot to explain it all but it just wasn't easy to hear. I was ready to think that I was on my way to being all better. So there were a few things he pointed out and basically left me feeling like there is a great possibility that I will eventually have to have surgery... I appreciated his honesty and straightforward approach. I was grateful for clarity too but really I was just sad... more doctor visits, maybe surgery, no more picking up my little girls.

We left there and went on to see my parents. They are awesome. I mean don't get me wrong.... they are not superheros or anything, but in my eyes, I see them changing. I am just so overwhelmed with love for them for all they have done for me. We could all write volumes about our imperfections and failings but I would rather they forget mine and I forget theirs. So... I updated them on my health issues and saw their concern. That made me sad too because I don't want them to worry about me anymore, it's my turn to worry over them. Adam and I headed home and listened to good music and sat quietly. I felt very weepy and Adam just patted me a lot.

The rest of the day was a blurr of running around, running errands, doing paperwork, sending tons of emails and all that good stuff. Every once in a while some poor soul would ask me how I was doing (or just say "hi")and I probably overdid it with my answers. Once the kids got home, I was very distracted. My day was gray, as is my back condition. I can thank God that it isn't something horrible but man! it is disappointing to feel very healthy and in control of your body's condition and have to realize I am not in control of it at all... It is up to God to heal or not and to keep this in perspective here: all that is going on is not life threatening. There is just maybe the threat of pain and future problems that will not end in this life... I hate sounding so dramatic.

Saturday, January 29, 2011

Spring is in the air...

...okay, not really :) But it was an amazing day!! I think it was in the low sixties and the sun was blazing. It was too beautiful not to get out a little and I was so glad I did. A friend and I walked all over our sweet little town and I saw parts of it I had never seen before. There was one house that looked like it was plucked right out of historic Savannah, Georgia! Gorgeous!! I just love all that our little town has to offer. Sadly, in the middle of this horrible economic time, the market is ripe and I couldn't help but wonder if we should buy a little house or two. I say that like we have all the money in the world and of course we don't... but who knows what the Lord has for our future!!

Tuesday, January 25, 2011

The BIG snow of 2011!!


So... it is 2011... almost February... and I feel like doing a little blogging :) This is from the writer in me who thinks I have so much to say and people are dying to read it!! Not really, but maybe it is from some much less arrogant version of the same kind of mind that feels like I'll feel better and less burdened if I can share some of my own boring story with the world via internet.

I have a great life. If you know me (and I suspect you do... otherwise you might be a stalker or just really bored right now), then you know my life is humdrum. I like it that way. I used to crave the excitement. For what, I don't know but I craved it and found it easily enough... sort of. Now, I prefer to keep with a routine and care for my family without too much excitement at all if possible, thank you very much!! Give me a good squabble among siblings and I'll be content with that for a while.

This year has started off with a little excitement I guess - a different sort that I'd prefer not to have at all. I sort of ignored some pain (Adam would disagree that I ignored it since he heard about it all the time) I was having and put off caring for myself for a while (the way mothers tend to do) and finally after waiting months to get an MRI, had one done the first week of January (it's all about meeting the deductible really). Well, it confirmed what I dreaded most - I'm getting older and starting to fall apart :) in technical terms: a herniated disc. So I've been seeing a chiropractor about it for a bit and have an appointment with a neurologist in a few weeks. We'll see how it goes but I'm in a lot less pain than I was a month or two ago so I am grateful. I have lots of amazing people praying for me and God is still in control so it doesn't worry me... it's just something to lighten the wallet as well as the exercise regimen :) Prayers are always welcomed.

ABOUT THE GIRLS: The little girls are terrific. The big girls are too (yes, I still work at an amazing children's home) but I think I am at a place in my life where having 8 teenagers (well 7 teens and a 12 year old) is sort of sad for me. I know they have their own lives and interests. I want to be important to them but there are so many other parts to the dynamic that is my "big family" that I finally realized I can't cry every time they don't share things with me or treat me as if we just met. I rejoice in the moments when they share with me or show concern for my feelings. I love them with my prayers, my cooking, my time, my laughter, my planning and my gas money. I know there will come a day when the two little ones do the same thing... they'll be teens and it will hurt to realize "here we are again - we just lost A BAZILLION IQ points because all of a sudden they know everything". But for now, I'll value their 6 and 8 year old desire to snuggle, to read books to me, to share their day with me, to have talks about friends and teachers, to play board games (because at 6 and 8 it isn't too dorky yet) and to do just about anything as long as we do it together. Don't get me wrong, I value that from my big girls every chance I can... those chances just get less and less and the little ones have yet to label me as old-fashioned, unrealistic, or unimportant.
ADAM: Adam is as great as ever. He is getting handsomer all the time and takes such good care of me. I don't think he knew what to do with me for a few months there when I was in pain and slowed from my normal 90mph day. He didn't freak out but just babied me a lot and I sort of got used to it :) He knows I am doing much better now but he still babies me a lot... I guess he always has. I just didn't appreciate it like I should until I realized how much I needed it. I shouldn't be surprised - He comes from the most awesome family and I have no doubt I should thank his parents and sisters daily for their contributions to what I think must be the best man under heaven!

: My parents are getting older and I pray more for them than I used to. I don't know why since I know getting older is a part of life but 67 and 72 are big numbers and when I get there, I'll appreciate more prayers as well. My mom is a piece of work. I love that phrase. It covers everything from the cutest 18 year old fireball (which I'm sure my mom was at one time) to the most ornery 67 year old lady (which my mom definitely is now)! My dad has taught me more than I knew I needed to know about grace and unconditional love. Of course there is a long sweet and strange love story there but it really isn't mine to tell so I won't. I just admire and respect him with my whole heart and am so grateful for his love for me. My mom too... I just try not to make her mad :)
SIBLINGS: They are here and there. I used to think we grew up to be so different and as I get a little older, I realize we are a lot alike in the basic stuff. I'm just glad to know they are on the planet and they make me glad my girls have one another too.
GREAT FRIENDS: I forgot about some of them for a while but thank God for grace and the fact that everyone is busy so staying in touch is hard for us all. We have some precious friends from the past who just had a new baby boy - Praise God! and some that are due any day - Praise God! We have some that are pregnant in the months ahead... now that I think of it, we really know a lot of pregnant people :)) and we have other great old friends who are awesome without adding to their family in this moment... it is so fun to think about all the cool people we've been blessed to know!!
All that to say, God has blessed us with some great new friends too. I asked for them at some point and He delivered with a bang :) Thanks to God for people who have similar concerns, intentions and needs and who see something of value in me.

Okay so maybe I am not telling a story or having a regular blogging moment but maybe it just feels good to organize how I feel about my life. Maybe this should just be a journal... well, it would be if I was unhappy but my life is too good not to share!!